Monday, March 5, 2012

Every Gun I Ever Had Went Off

My mother will hate me for writing this...

I came home from school this evening and half the house was lit. When I say 'lit' I mean, the lights were on. In half of the house, the lights were on. Ohhhkaayyyy... We go to flicks on the lights. Nothing. Flack back. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Go through the house and we found the same thing in the other rooms. Dafuq? Call the sperm donor home (he was out drinking), he flips the breaker a couple hundred times. Nothing. Sperm donor: "Need to call an electrician." Me (in my head): "WITH WHAT MONEY?!?!?!?!" I'm currently having a break down internally. It's like... a radioactive isotope. Breaks down slowly until it's stable. That's me right now. A kind of slow, radioactive break down. I'm on my bed just staring. Considering what's going to happen. What could happen. I remember clearly when I was younger, our house was almost repossessed twice by the bank. I'm very scared for it to happen again. I'm just losing it. I don't know how else to describe it. I feel desperation, defeat, run down, tired, fed up, exhausted, bored, angry, depressed, all rolled up into one. And maybe some emotions I can't put words to. Except maybe, "ihgyhildoiufmcnowicndhfytlaioieiuejdhnaoqowuruoadja". I want things to change and be better and I know I have to try to help myself but I don't know how to. I don't know what I can do to get myself out of this situation. I'm lost.

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