Monday, December 6, 2010

So I'm just venting right now...

I hate my father. Let's just start off with that. I have a deep rooted anger for him. Ever since I could remember, this was so. In the past two years, my relationship with my father (or lack thereof) has completely deteriorated.  Only conversation consists mainly of arguing and pleasantries and very rarely talks of money. I've stopped calling him "Dad" because I believe he doesn't deserve that title. He has never been much of a dad. Ever. He just pays the bills and keeps us fed. Now, I'm happy for that but when he comes home with no money, I'd prefer he yells at the walls, not at me which he does all the time. Like he did tonight. My sister and I were watching Adventure Time, a really awesome cartoon. I was going to the bathroom and on the way I was talking to her in the kitchen. I yelled, "Something, something, nigger!" I went to pee and he was calling me. Yelling my name (stress on "yell"). I was like, "Coming!" (My respect for his has really died these past few years) Came to see what he was yelling about and he says yells, "Don't let me ever let you say that word again in this house!!!" I'm like (in my head), "What??? What word??? What the fuck, man???" I ask him, "What word?" (Still yelling) "That 'n' word!!!" I'm like, "Huh? Nigger?" (STILL yelling) "Yes! That word!" I say, "Okay..." Then he starts screaming and shouting about he doesn't like my cynicism and sarcasm (but he pronounces sarcasm really wrong. It's something that happens when your ego is REEEEEEEEEEEALLY big but your education lacks. A lot) So I tell him that I really don't appreciate how he talks to me. He flies up from his chair and comes RIGHT IN MY FACE, shaking his fist at me and telling me to watch who I'm talking because he's my father blah blah blah. I tell him straight up, "I don't care if you're my father. You need to treat me with respect." He flips out cos his ego is too fucking big. Anyway it all ends up with me crying my eyes out and my mum lecturing me. She tells me to forget about him, he's my father, blah blah blah. She doesn't defend me much. I feel scared to be around my father sometimes. That isn't right. I mean, seriously. And somehow, he doesn't care. He doesn't care that he's abused my mum. He doesn't care that he abuses his daughters. He doesn't care that we are scarred for life. My frickin' teacher told me to get professional help. What does that tell you? Yet he sleeps perfectly every night. I'm 18. I'm a legal adult. I'll admit, I'm lazy. I don't do shit around the house much. I do it on my time. However, I'm working my ass of at school to get out of his face. My teachers have a lot of good things to say about me. My father doesn't know me nor does he care about me. My mum said he cares about us and loves us. Bullshit, mum. How can you blatantly abuse someone you supposedly "love", how can you make your "loved ones" feel afraid to be around you, afraid for their safety? If that's love, that's some kind of sick love. I don't want to be a part of it.

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