Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Dr. Oz! Dr. Drew! Oprah! Anyone!

Ever since I could remember, I've been plagued with weird pains and aches in my body. I've also been plagued with depression and extremely low self esteem. I have been to a psychologist but it's not as often as I think it should be and that's only because the company my mother works for only allows a certain amount of sessions per employee. I've used them up and I still need help. I've never had any grand amount or great quality of friends. My first best friend (and I remember this really well) was when I was about 6 years old. Her name was Paige. One day she never came back to school. Apparently she had ADD and needed to go to a special school. I called her once some years later and she didn't remember me yet I remembered her so well, up to this day. After that I gained a bully. I was about 7. Primary school was terrible after that because my bully ended up in my class in Standards 4 and 5 after she was in my class in Standard 1. I used to be called gorilla for about three years in primary school. It was because I had these big clunky shoes. I liked them when I bought them but I cursed their existence when I started getting teased.

When I went into secondary school I vowed to be liked and  be more outgoing so more people would like me. Can you say fail? My bully ended up going to my secondary school. In my class. For 5 God forsaken years. For the first term we were cool. Mainly because no one knew anyone and were just settling in. After that, I had made 'friends' with and talked to everyone in my class. I did everything to get them to like me. All but be myself. In Form 1 I had this pain.  Like a stitch. Ever got a stitch? Like when you're running or laughing too much. That's what it felt like but instead of the pain being on my side like a regular stitch, it was inside of me to one side. It wasn't a muscle pain like a stitch is but it felt like a stitch. When I researched it, I saw things about enlarged spleen and if it ruptures death is imminent. I told my mum about it but she dismissed it. It kept hurting. I don't remember for how long it hurt. Weeks? Months? It eventually stopped hurting. I can't even tell you when I realized it stopped hurting. The next pain I remember was a pain in my coccyx. The tail bone. I knew I hadn't fallen off anything or hit my ass on anything so why did it hurt to bend at the hip and sit? Again I talk to my mum but she dismissed it and again the pain disappeared on its own.

I have never been a sick child. At least physically. When I get the cold, it goes away in a week or two. Never broke my arm. Never been to the hospital. I've always stayed out of that kind of trouble. I remember only once that I got a piece of glass in my foot. A good sized piece. That's probably the worst physical injury I've had and I've only been really sick once. That was Form 3 or 4. I had a roaring fever on my way to school but I forced myself to go because I have a Chemistry lab to do. Stupid me. I felt so cold. I can't remember how it happened but my mum came to get me and carried me to the doctor. When the doctor felt me she immediately started to remove my jacket. The air in the room was, I don't even know. 32 degrees Celsius? But I felt like she dumped ice on me. My fever was so high. She told me that I was getting tonsillitis. I had the little pustules on my tonsils. Almost. Another day and I would have had to have surgery maybe. I forget but I think the next day I was home but the day after that I went back to school, antibiotics etc in tow.

I think Form 3 was the lowest point in my life. Lots of details but my bully started bullying me again and I was an extreme introvert. Always alone, always reading. I always took a seat to the back of the class so I knew no one was behind me screwing with me. I was paranoid that everyone was out to get me. I'm still that way sometimes. My bully took a 'class picture' with me to the outside and posted it on the internet with a crazy, derogatory comment. When I saw it, I dismissed it but my sister tripped completely. It was crazy after that. She got suspended from school and I was ostracized from every clique in our class. I think maybe even the year group. I, the quiet one, the one that has no friends, the one that does nothing but good things to people, was ostracized, hated. That was most definitely my lowest point. I was really depressed from then on. I made a couple friends after that, but they weren't real friends. Boasting of being best friends for life and all that bullshit that I actually believed. One of these said 'friends' is dating my ex-boyfriend. Maybe this shouldn't bother me. Maybe it should. I have no idea but none of my friends thought about how I would feel when it happened.

After Form 3, I've always had headaches and aches in my knees. Strange, strange aches. As I write this I have a pain I can't even describe inside of me tearing me apart. I was always taking pain pills. I got immune to then after a while. Had to get stronger ones. I stopped taking pills though because I know I'll get addicted. Right now I use Excedrin for pains when I have to do my exams. Works in seconds, all day long. My mum still dismisses my pain. My headaches have been getting increasingly more painful and more frequent. They come differently every time though. I have what I call my 'stress headache'. It feels like pressure in your head pushing out. It doesn't pulsate. Just a constant pressure from inside pushing out. Then I have some freaky headaches. Like last night, I had a headache that felt like a muscle spasm in my head. Freaky right? It was at the top of my head, to the left and the pain was twitching like a muscle spasm. It was a localized pain. Very painful. It stopped after a couple minutes though. It freaked me out. My best friend told me I need to get it checked and I know that. I just wish that my mum wouldn't dismiss me.

The one time that I wasn't sick (that I remember) that my mum took me to the doctor was to get the doctor to prescribe me The Pill. Yes. The Pill. I kid you not. She flipped out when I told her I had sex with my first boyfriend. The doctor found nothing wrong with me except I had low blood pressure and I wasn't feeling faint. I even got blood drawn but I know it wasn't for as extensive testing as on 'House M.D.' but at least I got something done, right?

I feel like I'm sick. Physically. I know my mind is fucked up. I need help for that for sure. But I feel there's a ticking time-bomb in me. It just needs the right stimulus (for lack of a better word) to explode. I watch a lot of House. You're probably thinking, "Hypochondriac much?" but have you seen what goes on on House? Seemingly random and harmless symptoms aren't really random or harmless. I feel real pains. Real aches. And it's been going on for the better part of my life. I want my head scanned. I want my blood tested for everything. I want ultrasounds of my uterus and ovaries cos my period has been coming late for about 5 or 6 years. I just want something to be done. I'm sick. I know it. There is some underlying reason for all this. I know it. I feel it.

N.B. It took me about an hour straight to write this.

10 comments:

  1. This just sounds really familiar. What form are you in right now if you don't mind me asking?

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  2. I'm in Upper 6, ready to leave school already.

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  3. Are you still bullied or have the perps matured a bit over the years?

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  4. Lol. "Perps". Well I think I've just kinda guarded myself against attacks. I'm mostly to myself. I would hardly ever join a group because I feel unwelcome. I'm not bullied per se but I do get my fair share of attacks to my self esteem. I've changed schools so I'm in a new school. The attackers aren't the same but the principle is. I'm different. I don't fall into a category. Though I love science and science is my interest, I do have interests in history, law, a whole lot of other things. Maybe that's why I wouldn't fit snugly into the science clique or the sociology clique.

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  5. I'm also not a superficial bitch who only thinks about guys and clothes and material things. Maybe that's another reason.

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  6. Teehee! I could bore you with my life story and say how we're both insanely alike but I'd rather take the short route and offer some encouraging words instead. Penn Jillette (an icon of mine) once said that it (life) gets better only with time. Surely you must have heard this line from a dean or principal, "These high school years are the best years of your life". Utter bullshit. You know it, I know it and many other people like us know that.

    High school years are hell. Raging hormones, the need to fit in, confusion, experimentation, rebellion and self-discovery are problems that plague us whether we like it or not. We try to deal but we got internal/external factors making it hard for us. We have ourselves, our parents, peers, authority figures cliques, bullies and so on just dictating our lives. Not all the time would we have the power to overcome it all and it overwhelms us. Almost all the time the end result is negative. We got kids committing suicide, needing expensive therapy, turning to drugs and all that. I had a lot of medical bills to deal with.

    Of course when you get out of high school and move on, you'll be around adults; perhaps open-minded forward-thinking people. There will still be the "children" out to make you miserable but they will be few and far in between. I am wondering if you went to a convent previously. I transfered out of CIC for the bullying because it was terrible. I may have either died or killed someone if I stayed. So it's nice to see that you're not still in your previous school. It's also nice to see that you prefer being yourself. Funny how that's seen as being a social deviant these days. Bloody conformists. But I digress. Things will get better and you'll soon catch a break. Just know that when you're ready for university, the competition for high GPAs is gonna be brutal. People are gonna resort to high school tactics. Just stay above it all.

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  7. Thanks for your support dude. I changed schools cos the subjects I wanted to do weren't available. I went a 'nun-run' school. I go to a government school now. I've always wanted to be myself. Being or doing something else always freaks me out inside. I just hope I'm strong enough to deal with the adult-children in college

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  8. Well it's pretty soon, so you'll be getting a feel for the environment in no time. Hopefully you will get more breathing room. Things work like that.

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  9. Thanks dude. Comments like yours make me feel special. Lol

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  10. White Flower Oil (embrocation.50webs.com) was introduced to me by my mother. During one of my headaches, she gave me this tiny bottle of oil and told me to massage it on my temples and forehead. Amazingly, it worked! Somehow the oil penetrates into the affected area and relieves the pain.

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Thanks for your comments!